Serene Chaos
by Wild Swans
Summary: I hate that he is so easy to adore, so easy to fall in love with. I do it every day but always unwillingly.


I never chose to love him nor will I ever do such a thing.

He's there for me to worship, always near and eternally loveable. I hate that he is so easy to adore, so easy to fall in love with. I do it every day but always unwillingly. I pray at night to some force above that I'll wake up the next day not knowing what it's like to love the man that I can't get out of my head. He's just there all the time and I find myself wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with.

It's my entire fault anyway. I ran away. I was afraid and I hid from the one man I wanted to love and be loved by. Remembering how his eyes found mine the moment we met, the tears I hide away fall down my face staining the cotton of my sheets.

He probably thinks it's his issues, his past, that drove me away. That couldn't be farther from the truth. If anything, that made me admire him and care for him even more.

But now, having decided to move on with life and going ahead with my decision, I think there's nothing I regret more than leaving him. There's nothing that could be done to change things, tough. He's back to getting his submissive… girls… to do whatever he wants. And he doesn't acknowledge me when he comes over to SIP to oversee things. I have limited time, I know, because he's almost done with finalizing everything he needs in this take-over of his. Why he's doing it, I would never know but it has to be smart business… his coolness towards me shows me he is not moved by my presence here. It's just business as usual.

I just wished he wasn't in my head all the time. I am twenty two years old and I have no social life whatsoever nor the desire to get out of my comfortable zone.

The signs are all there for me to see: I don't accept that he could have an interest in me above anyone else in the world. Of all the people in his life and out there for him to meet, why would he settle for me? A powerful man like him, that privileges all superior things, why would he choose to be with someone so plain, so average? And when people tell you all the nice, little polite lies about being so great and pretty… in my case, I never let it get to me. I know what it means. It's just over-flattering that will never translate into having the most beautiful man in the world actually feel attracted to you.

"Ana?" Claire snaps me out of my musings for the third time today. I'm lucky everyone's busy with the almighty boss paying us a visit. No one is taking notice of wayward thoughts in little assistants' heads.

"Yeah?" I answer distractedly. I can't completely get away from whatever is going through my head. Ever since I said my goodbyes to him, I have been stuck. In all ways, I'm stuck.

"There's a call for you from a hospital. In Georgia." She quietly tells me. And through my haze, I only see her sad face like she's pitying me for not knowing what is going to happen within the next few moments. I nod my head and she transfers the call.

"Miss Anastasia Steele?" A voice who I presume belongs to a middle-aged woman greets my ears.

"Yes?" I don't know if she heard me but I don't dare say anything else. Maybe it's lack of water in my system. I might be dehydrated. When was my last meal? When was the last time I had water or tea? _Why are you thinking about this now, Ana?!_

"Can you confirm me that you're Mrs. Carla Adams daughter?"

"I can. What's going on?" The knot is getting tighter by the second. The woman sounds apologetic and I feel the ice of fear penetrate me deep within. If only I could just hang up on this seemingly nice lady and pretend nothing is going on involving my mother.

"Miss Steele, my name is Dr. Diane Hughes and I work at Piedmont Hospital. I am so sorry to do this over the phone and most of all, I'm sorry I have to say this at all." The lady pauses and I know it. The tears are falling down my face before I hear the words she's about to say. I don't need to hear them to know what they mean, to know that things are going to be completely different. My heart already knows what it needs to know.

Time seems to escape this universe I'm in right now because it I hear her words over and over again. "Your mother has been in a terrible accident as well as her spouse and unfortunately both were unresponsive at the scene. I'm afraid we weren't able to resuscitate them…"

She said the words I wasn't going to be able to get out of my head for the foreseeable future. There wasn't anything I could think of doing except putting the phone down on its holder. No excuses and no courtesy towards the kind lady like mother taught me when I was just a little girl. If she wasn't here to admonish me, I didn't have to worry. In fact, she wouldn't be here to teach me anything else in life; my education was over. Actually, no. My mother taught me something right now. She taught me to make sure I don't love someone as fiercely as I love her and dad because it will hurt me like when they're gone. First, Christian, because of my own mistakes. Now, her. I can only pray for the universe not to take my dad away from me too. I'm pretty sure I can't take one more twist of the knife in my heart. One more and I'll be too far gone.

I can't say when I stood up and left my desk but by the time I got to the door, Claire calling after me makes me turn my head. Another mistake to add to my collection. I see her and the tall man standing right next to her desk. The tall, impossibly beautiful man whose stormy gray eyes are worriedly looking at me. Just one more person to feel pity for me in this dark hour, I'm sure.

"Ana, where are you going? Are you okay?" Claire asks me, unaware of how much I want to hide from the gaze of the man standing next to her. Completely oblivious that he's the love of my life.

I just nod. I am quite sure my head must be losing brain cells as the seconds are ticking by because I can't find any words. No words at all to explain myself.

"Are you leaving work because of that call? Is everything okay in Georgia?" Sweet, caring Claire. Right now, I wish I could kill her for saying so much in front of him. Right for him to know something is going on in Georgia. We were so happy in Georgia at one point in time. I loved him so much then and I could almost feel his love for me there. I wasn't thinking at the time, of course so that blissful moment was not tainted in anyway by what I know to be true as I stand, calm and collected, in solid, Seattle ground.

"Yes, everything is okay in Georgia." But not everyone. "I have to go."

And just like that, I turn around and don't say anything else. My unvoiced sobs are strangling my throat and I can't handle it anymore.

I feel my phone vibrate and I take it out of my jacket's pocket. Ray. Reliable Ray. The anchor in my life. He's always there, even if I don't deserve it or ask for him to be there.

"Yes." I answer without any preamble.

"Annie, I'm going there to be with you." He doesn't let me say anything. "Just stay home and I'll go to you. Then, we'll figure things out."

"Fine." And I hang up. I know he had nothing else to say over the phone. He's not a talker in person and even less so through the phone. He's just like me. A silent soul.

No one's home as Kate's in sunny Barbados loving and being loved by her newly found soul mate. In my head, it all sounds so romantic. So beautiful. So damn perfect.

I lay down on the couch and stare ahead at the curtains that drape over the windows. The sun is moody behind them and my only wish is that it could be dark outside. I just want it to be dark. But it doesn't happen as fast as I wish it.

Although it does happen eventually, around the same time I feel the entrance door being opened by someone's keys. Dad's, of course. He's here.

I don't move from the couch. I'm exactly the way I've been for the past few hours. My eyes are definitely bloodshot and puffy. And if I moved, I'd feel the strain on my body from being so still for so long.

I hear his footsteps but I don't focus on that. I just keep staring, quiet and unmoving.

"Annie…" He says and I divert my eyes for the first time in hours.

"Daddy…" I sound so different from the little girl he taught everything. From the little girl who my mother took in her gentle lap as she would swing on the rocking chair in stormy evenings. So different from the girl who fell to her knees at an office she should have never even been to.

"I'm here, Annie." He sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch. "And we're going to Georgia now."

"Got the tickets already?" I humorlessly snapped, fluttering my eyelids closed, feeling drained.

"Yes, we have." My eyes snapped open faster than I could remember. I see him just to the side. Lingering with his hands in his pants' pockets. "Do you want to get some clothes before we go?"

"Why are you here?" I ask, shocked to be looking at him, while he's standing in her apartment.

"I asked him, Annie." Ray tells me, his eyes worried about my reaction. "You need both of us right now."

"No, I don't. I don't need either of you, actually. I need my mom." I say, not caring if I'm hurting the only men in my life. The only ones I love above all else. "I need to go and say goodbye to her, that's what I need! And I'm not going with you!" My eyes go to Christian's and I furiously keep my stare on him. "Get out of my house, please." I try for civility.

He moves closer to where I'm now standing, while Ray is in the same spot, his head in his hands.

"I am not asking you, Ana. You're going with me and your father. You have to tell your mother goodbye for the very last time. That will be the last time you ever see her and you will need us, whether you know it right now or not. I'm not anything to you right now but you need me more than you've ever needed me and despite what you might think in that thick head of yours, I need you. I need to be there with you. Please, let me, Ana." He says so gravely that I can't understand exactly what he's saying. I just focus on how insane it all sounds. "I need you to let me in at least this one time. Don't shut me out when I need to be right here to give you everything you need."

I am confused. "What are you talking about, Christian? I left. I am not going back to you."

"I know. Because you don't believe I can love you the same way you love me."

I feel Ray stare up at me from the corner of my eye. I feel my cheeks blush and I look away from Christian. I start to turn away, embarrassed, when Christian grabs my shoulders and makes it impossible for me to look away.

"You need me right now, Ana. And if you aren't coming back to me, if you're still leaving me behind… I'll just keep going after you until you realize how much I need you too right now. I need to be here for you and for me." He says, his eyes tearing up. I never saw him cry. Not that I was with him for a long time but I never thought I'd see him cry. He lets go of my shoulders and looks down at the floor with a sigh. "Get your things and let's go."

I move in the direction of my bedroom but I can't help turning back to look at them. Ray and Christian. They're here for me. They want to look after me. They care for me… Why?

"Don't overthink, Ana." Christian admonishes me. I feel his penetrating gaze, like he's getting a front row seat to all of my thoughts. "You should really stop thinking sometimes."

Maybe one day that'll come true. In the meantime, I have to accept that I'm going to say goodbye to my mother because she's gone. I have to accept that I have two men that will be by my side the entire time to help me when I lose the one person that was with me from the very first moment.

And I have to accept that the love of my life hasn't fully given up on me yet.

Maybe not ever...


End file.
